Mother’s Day – A real hoot.

(Lee Forrest/Flickr)

“Hey Hon, so whaddya want for Mother’s Day anyway?” my husband inquired a couple days ago, much too late to actually plan anything decent.

My mind flashed to Mother’s Days past. I winced at vivid images of kitchens destroyed by my children’s best intentions. My lips puckered at the distant taste of cold burnt breakfasts in bed. Allowing my mind to reminisce a moment longer, I nearly gagged at the thought of pond scum.

Well, not exactly pond scum, but that scummy film that forms in the bottom of a flower vase containing week-old cut flowers. My uvula twitched at the thought of slimy stems breaking the algae-like skin on the surface of old vase water to reveal murky dregs and the pungent odor of rotting vegetation.

I never really liked cut flowers because of the pond scum, but my husband orders them almost every year. He makes a call to the florist and, voila! his job is done. One year, I delicately suggested he consider potted flowers for Mother’s Day. That year, I received a lovely hydrangea that bloomed in my garden for years. I thought my days of dealing with green slime were over.

The next year it seemed like a heck of a lot of work driving over to the garden center for another potted plant when my husband could simply call the florist from the comfort of his Barcalounger. Back to the pond scum.

I shuddered, and tried to focus on an answer to my husband’s question. Hmm, I thought, is there something that my family would enjoy that would not require me to clean the kitchen and wash out dirty vases?

I recalled Mother’s Day 2007. My Navy husband was in the 5th month of a yearlong deployment to Djibouti, Africa. I met some other “geographically single” military moms at an indoor play center to let the kids run off some steam while we chatted. A couple hours later, the kids, sweaty and sufficiently coated in invisible ball-pit bacteria, told us they were starving to death.

The mothers begrudgingly trudged toward the exit. “Ugh,” one mom groaned, “I really don’t want to cook.” “Me neither,” another chimed in, her lips stretched downward in an exaggerated frown.

After months of parenting alone, I seriously contemplated eating my daughter’s filthy sweat-dampened socks to avoid cooking another meal. “Hey, you guys wanna go out to lunch somewhere?!”

We huddled in the parking lot to plan a lunch outing, but our excitement soon turned to disappointment when we realized that, without a reservation, we’d be lucky to get Slurpies and Slim Jims at 7-11 on Mother’s Day.

We said our good-byes again, and slogged to our respective minivans.

Just then, a 150-watt bulb blinked on in my deployment weary brain with possibly the best idea I’d had in my entire life. “I know where we can go!” I blurted. The other moms and their offspring looked to me with hope in their hungry eyes across the quivering asphalt, and I bellowed with outstretched arms like their pseudo savior, “HOOTERS!”

Much as I had predicted, we had the whole place to ourselves, and lazily munched on wings and fries late into the afternoon. The waitresses seemed more than happy to cater to feminine clientele who don’t giggle nervously and ogle at their ill-fitting shirts, so the service was excellent. While I did have to wipe drool from my 11-year-old son’s chin a time or two, all in all, it was a perfect Mother’s Day.

“Hon, did you hear me?” my husband inquired impatiently.

“Oh, yea,” I said, snapping back to reality. For a fleeting moment, I considered suggesting a replay of that wonderful day in 2007, but I thought better of it when I realized that Mother’s day at Hooters only works when fathers aren’t around.

The taste of chilled scorched eggs and the smell of slimy vase water suddenly seemed appealing when compared with seeing one’s husband stare bug-eyed at a woman half his age while sucking down chicken wings and beer, so I said, “Breakfast in bed and a vase of flowers would be just wonderful.”

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9 thoughts on “Mother’s Day – A real hoot.

  1. Jennifer Lambert May 12, 2013 at 10:32 am Reply

    Brilliant! They do have yummy wings! And their staff is super friendly. Way to think outside the box. You go, girl.

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  2. Simon May 14, 2012 at 1:44 pm Reply

    This is great and so true. We must think alike which is a scary thought. You should have suggested Hooters just to see his reaction. Really funny.

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  3. energywriter May 14, 2012 at 7:09 am Reply

    What a solution! So funny! What did hubby say when he read ths column?

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    • Lisa Smith Molinari May 14, 2012 at 7:43 am Reply

      My husband loves any kind of attention, hence, he loves any post about him. Typical male! Also, yesterday he finally took heed and bought me two super-nice potted flowering plants that I LOVE, a couple sweet cards, and we went out for a beachy early dinner. We also took a walk on the beach and rallied the kids to clean up the household clutter for an hour, so all in all, it was a fantastic day!

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      • energywriter May 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm Reply

        Terrific! I’m sure you’ll return the favor on Father’s Day.

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        • Lisa Smith Molinari May 14, 2012 at 6:24 pm Reply

          Maybe I’ll take him to see the Chippendales!

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          • energywriter May 17, 2012 at 10:56 am Reply

            Ooh, ooh, may I go too. I’ve just been to the bank and have a stack of $1 bills. (I know, I’m a cheapskate.)

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  4. lauriebest May 13, 2012 at 11:03 am Reply

    What a wonderful take on Mother’s Day! Fast forward a few years, when your kids are grown and you have an entirely different perspective…Gill and I are doing blogs about Mother’s Day Monday and Tuesday…at this rate, we moms will be laughing all week. What a great idea!

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  5. Nicole May 13, 2012 at 10:43 am Reply

    This. Is. Absolutely. Unequivocally. GENIUS. hahahahaha
    Happy Mother’s Day to you and your incredible sense of humor. I am going to be laughing about this for a long time. My solution for too-long reservation lists: Hooters!!!!!!

    Best,
    Nicole @ Three 31

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