I’m chunky and I know it

While some may beg to differ, let me go out on a limb here and state that I’ve never been that overweight. However, I’ve never really been thin, either. I’ve always hovered in that middle ground affectionately known as “chunky.”

Although “chunky” is a term used by nice people trying to avoid the more offensive descriptor “fat” – let’s face it — there’s really nothing good about being called “chunky.” Considering the root word, it essentially means that one has a body abundant with chunks, and who would want that?

Decades of yo-yo dieting have failed to realize my lifelong dream of being thin. A couple years ago in frustration, I tried to change my way of thinking. As much as I’ve winced at the sight of bulbous bellies bulging brazenly over bikini bottoms, I’ve always been jealous of overweight people who think they are hot. They have found the key to true happiness – loving oneself as is.

Despite a valiant effort on my part to re-characterize my excess poundage as desirably “Rubenesque,” my effort has been futile. I just haven’t been able to love my lunch lady arms, my ever-present double chin, the back fat that pooches over my triple-hook bra, my dimpled gut that wobbles with the slightest motion, and my armpit chicken fat.

A month ago, I decided that a compromise was in order.

I made a modest goal to lose ten pounds (preferably before I have to go on a July beach vacation with my lean brother and his naturally thin family, where I will undoubtedly be photographed wearing a bathing suit.) In the interest of equitable compromise, I would gladly agree that, if I could lose merely ten pounds, I would be totally comfortable with my fortysomething body. Sounds reasonable, right?

Having set a realistic bargain, I needed to decide upon the method. I knew that portion control and exercise were the smartest weight loss strategies, but why do all that work when there are so many dunce-proof fad diets out there that promise the thrill of drastic temporary weight loss in a few short weeks?

Sure, if I were Oprah Winfrey, I’d order my staff to serve up gourmet diet meals in my mansion in between sessions with my personal trainer in my fully equipped home gym. And if Weight Watchers paid me a couple mil like Jennifer Hudson, losing pounds would be a piece of cake – rice cake that is.

But nobody is inspiring me with piles of money or gourmet meals. I have to make my own cabbage soup, peel my own grapefruit, and stir my own powdered diet shake. And I have exactly seven dollars and forty-three cents in my wallet.

Furthermore, with my hectic lifestyle, I needed something easy, so I picked one of those diets where one can eat simple meals, like pork rinds dipped in mayonnaise, hamburgers dripping in bacon fat, and blocks of cream cheese.

A couple of weeks into the diet, I was five pounds of toxin-flushing water weight down, and other than extreme constipation and debilitating fatigue, I felt fabulous.

However, during week three, the needle on my scale wouldn’t budge. I ate more eggs than Cool Hand Luke, but the only thing I was losing was motivation. Without the stimulus of weight loss, I just couldn’t take it anymore. In a frantic binge of epic proportions, I raided the kids’ lunchbox treats. Before the night was through, I had eaten 24 cookies. Yup. Twenty-four.

Bloated and guilt-ridden, I contemplated my dietary fate over coffee the next morning. Why is it so hard to lose a few lousy pounds? I thought. I’m not asking to be hot, sexy or even mildly attractive. I just want FIVE MORE POUNDS. Is that so much to ask?

Just then, a drop of coffee dribbled from my lip, down my chin, just missed my ample bust, and landed squarely upon my gut. Bulls-eye. I realized that life is a lot like my gut – despite its frequent ups and downs, at least I can always count on it to be there when I get up in the morning.

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17 thoughts on “I’m chunky and I know it

  1. [...] I’m chunky and I know it (themeatandpotatoesoflife.com) Share this:MoreLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. Posted in Fat thoughts and tagged weight-loss [...]

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  2. zmanowner June 15, 2012 at 8:04 pm Reply

    Alot of folks just say eat healthy and dont realize healthier foods is more expensive especially if you buy fresh veggies everyday…love the cool hand luke reference….. keep at it..as long as you are comfortable in your own skin thats all that matters…zman sends

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    • Lisa Smith Molinari June 16, 2012 at 1:12 pm Reply

      Yes, Zman, being comfy in your own skin is the key but I seemed to have lost it somewhere in the bottom of my purse!

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  3. Maz June 10, 2012 at 9:33 pm Reply

    I’m with you ALL THE WEIGH! I’d consider a full body SPANX, but I’m afraid the compression of my flub would cause me to IMPLODE!

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  4. Ray Dawson June 10, 2012 at 7:23 pm Reply

    Awesome post. I binge eat when I get frustrated to. McDonalds. And Taco Bell are my favorite de-stressing locations.

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    • Lisa Smith Molinari June 10, 2012 at 8:02 pm Reply

      Binging starts out fun, but 24 cookies later, it’s just darned dysfunctional!

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  5. Cathy June 10, 2012 at 6:16 pm Reply

    Lisa! Go to Hawaii! You see EVERYTHING there! The sun is blinding, people are hot and sweaty, and no one notices anyone else. That’s the only place I’ll be seen in a swim suit!

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    • Lisa Smith Molinari June 10, 2012 at 8:01 pm Reply

      I guess when you’re in paradise, you just don’t care what you look like!

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  6. Pleun June 10, 2012 at 3:23 pm Reply

    Being 40+ myself, I can totally relate to that. The best thing probably would be to start my own veggie patch. Just a small one mind you, big enough to get the exercise AND great produce. But I am going to save that idea for when I get really desperate :-)

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    • Lisa Smith Molinari June 10, 2012 at 3:49 pm Reply

      Oh boy, if I had to actually GROW my own food….I’d be thin as a rail!

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  7. energywriter June 10, 2012 at 1:50 pm Reply

    So funny, but sad too. I look back on my skinny days in my early 50s. I got a head start when family issues turned my overeating into anorexia. Once that settled down I did the WW thing and actually achieved my goal weight. After a couple years of calm, the weight began piling on again. Sigh!! I try to tell myself that no one expects a 60-something to be sexy, but my ego doesn’t buy it.

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    • Lisa Smith Molinari June 10, 2012 at 3:52 pm Reply

      I know what you mean about “sad too” Sharon. This issue can be so complicated, but I tried here to keep it light, funny and self-deprecating. Laughter is the best medicine, they say!

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  8. lauras50by50 June 10, 2012 at 1:05 pm Reply

    I can totally relate. I can never get to that state of accepting all the weight I’ve put on. I once was thin, when I was 25…so I know what I’m missing and how wonderful it felt. *sigh*

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  9. grandmalin June 10, 2012 at 12:42 pm Reply

    Threw my bathroom scales away years ago and never missed the nasty annoying thing. Weight is just a number. Chunks are really curves. :)

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