An hour after the last mouse-eared, turkey-leg-filled, balloon-carrying tourist leaves the parking lot, the Magic Kingdom is cloaked in darkness and silence.
But at the forested edge of the park, muffled voices gather, a flame is lit, and low music can be heard in the woods on Tom Sawyer Island.
“D-D-Dawg? Did you bring th-the winecoolers for the Princesses?”
“Shh! Keep your voice down, Piglet,” Pluto warns, “I haven’t gotten the call that maintenance is gone yet!”
While the Dwarves gather more wood for the bonfire, Bella whispers, “Listen, Girlfriend, you need to kick that no good cheater to the curb once and for all.”
“I know, I know,” replies Cinderella, anxiously awaiting Buzz’s arrival. The rest of the gang have grown tired of their on-again, off-again relationship, and they can’t understand why Cinderella keeps putting up with Buzz’s constant philandering and verbal abuse.
Pluto’s ringtone suddenly cuts the silence and he fumbles to answer his cellphone. “Yea? They’re gone? You sure? Ok, c’mon over and don’t forget to bring more ice.” Pluto snaps his phone shut and bellows, “Crank up the tunes, Donnie Boy!”
Much like Tony Bennett, Donald Duck is one of the originals who has been able to reinvent himself as “hip” and “old school” to stay relevant in today’s social scene. “The Don” flips his hat backwards, plugs the extension cord into his portable DJ booth, and the speakers jump to the beat of LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It.”
Pluto, Piglet and the Princesses start to dance, just as Huck Finn’s raft arrives with the rest of the gang. With the tunes blaring, drinks flowing and bonfire ablaze, the party on Tom Sawyer Island is in full swing.
“Hey Baby, what’s shakin’?” Buzz says as he grabs Cinderella’s drink and takes a huge gulp.
“You’d better say your prayers that Winnie doesn’t show up tonight,” Bella cautions, glaring at Buzz with contempt. “Ah, you can tell that honey licker I said to get some pants,” Buzz declares with a confident scratch.
But everyone knows Buzz doesn’t want to see Pooh Bear tonight. Pooh, ever the idealist, has been increasingly disappointed in the gang’s inappropriate behavior, and despite his kind-heartedness, even Pooh has his limits.
Last month, Pooh found Buzz making out with Snow White afterhours in the Mad Hatter’s Teacups. Buzz had cheated on Cinderella one too many times, and this time he was going to pay for it.
Out of nowhere, Pooh went into a rage and jumped Buzz. When the dust settled, Buzz had a broken nose, and Pooh was ordered to undergo anger management classes or lose his job.
“Is Goofy coming?” Sleeping Beauty inquires. “I d-d-don’t think so,” Piglet answers with sadness in his eyes. For years, Goofy had been the life of the party, but Management had him neutered after tourists complained that he was mounting the Dumbo cars and Alice in Wonderland filed a sexual harassment suit.
Minnie and Mickey arrive separately, as usual. Their tumultuous split is yesterday’s news, and the two have only been able to maintain a working relationship through court appointed mediation.
Minnie, fresh out of rehab for addiction to Xanax and Percocet, was scanning the crowd for Doc in hopes that he might write her new prescriptions. Mickey had always been the King, The Leader of the Club, The Master of Ceremonies, but nowadays he’s a washed up, old, has-been, pathetically sipping Boone’s Farm out of a brown paper covered bottle.
Jack Sparrow weaves his way through the crowd, handing out leaflets. “Aw, Jack, give it up and come party with us like the old days,” pleads The Little Mermaid. But ever since some Jehovah’s Witnesses got a hold of Jack and his crew, he’s been on a mission to convince the others to repent and see the error of their ways.
Buzz looks up from canoodling Cinderella to exclaim, “Uh oh! Looks like Beast and Woody are on one of their secret walks again!” Buzz obnoxiously doubles over laughing. “HA! How much you wanna bet they are headed for the Log Ride! No, wait, I know! I can see it now, a new hit movie starring Woody and the Beast entitled, ‘Brokeback Space Mountain!’”
Despite Buzz’s repulsively pompous ego, the gang erupts with laughter.
Bashful arrives late with Jasmine. Her hair was a bit disheveled and her olive cheeks were flush with pink. “Sup,” Bashful says to the other Dwarves with a wink. Despite his soft-spoken demeanor, the word on Main Street was that Bashful was a real Casanova with the ladies, and he never came to a bonfire without a Princess on his arm.
The Don starts beat boxing, when Mickey stumbles into the DJ stand, spilling wine all over the turntable. “Gimme that microphone you old quack!”
An ear-piercing tone blares from the speakers as Mickey struggles for the mike. After a hiccup and a muffled belch, Mickey puts the mike to his lips and slushily croons, “Who’s the leader of the Club that’s made for you and me….M-I-C…”
“Dude!” shouts Jiminy Cricket, “Go find a rocking chair Old Man!” To keep Mickey from further embarrassment, Genie slings Mickey over his shoulders and carries him down to the riverboat to sleep it off. “I usta be somebody!” Mickey wails.
The Don mixes the beats, the Princesses dance, and the party rages on. When it was all over, the gang agreed: Although it may not be the Happiest Place on Earth after all, it had been a magical night indeed.