There’s only one thing more disturbing than seeing a fat woman eating a turkey leg at an amusement park: seeing a fat woman eating a turkey leg at an amusement park in a bathing suit. This eternal truth revealed itself to me after our recent move to Florida.
Despite the well-known adage that “Tan fat is better than pale fat,” I’m not mentally prepared to live in the South, where unseasonably warm weather requires me to show more skin than ever before.
A Northerner at heart, I’m most comfortable packed securely into jeans and a turtleneck. Add snow boots, mittens, hat, scarf, and hooded parka, and I feel downright sexy.
All those layers of fabric not only cover age spots and stretch marks, but they also magically smooth away any flubby bits so I can live in oblivious denial of my body’s imperfections.
However, here in Florida, one can’t be covered in all those layers unless one is in the market for a serious case of heat stroke. To the contrary, the people of this sun-washed peninsula relish the hot climate and use it as the ultimate excuse to expose themselves. At the beaches, in the malls, and, regrettably, at the amusement parks while eating turkey legs.
I’m trying to adapt, but it hasn’t beeneasy.
It’s difficult to put on spaghetti straps when I’ve eaten too much spaghetti in my life. It’s tough to pull off a maxi dress when I’m at my maximum weight. It’s hard to wear shorts at Epcot when my thighs are at epic proportions.
Ironically, aging snowbirds migrate from northern states in their Chryslers with their wrap around sunglasses to this bastion of retirement. They can’t wait to peel off their gabardine stretch slacks, kick off their orthopedic shoes, and bare their potbellies, flapping arms and gnarled toes to the world in sequined sandals and muumuus.
And what about the thongs, er, I mean throngs of locals born and raised in the South, who think nothing of bellying up to a bounty of fatback bacon, buttermilk biscuits, barbecue and bourbon balls while bubbling out of their booty shorts?
Will I ever learn to let it all hang out?
Apparently the key to enjoying oneself while scantily clad in the South is to be a Southerner. Or, to be so old, you just don’t give a damn.
Considering my Northern heritage, I’ve no option but to wait a few years before I’ll be comfortable showing my armpit chicken fat thingies to my neighbors. In the meantime, I may as well slather myself in barbecue sauce and slurp some sweet tea, because I’ll be sweating like a pig in my jeans and turtleneck.
Good site you have here.. It’s hard to find high quality writing like yours these days. I honestly appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!
I’ve never eaten a turkey leg. Note to self, I must put on a swim suit before eating a turkey leg. When in Florida . . .
Polly, forget about coming to Florida to eat your turkey leg. You MUST munch on one while in your hospital gown in the delivery room. THAT would be hilarious! (Take pictures.)
Whatever you do, don’t go to Playalinda. I always worry about the fishermen there who regularly dangle a little extra lure. I wouldn’t want my jollies hanging in the deep with all those fish hooks about, but I guess they don’t mind.
Hilar!
This is a very funny post ~ I’m glad to have found your blog. (p.s. Congrats for the “tax post” being Freshly Pressed). Born and raised in the South, I guess I’m used to this. Plus, “bless their heart” covers a multitude of sins, including your attire at the Wall-Marts. Of course, I’ve got more curves than an Indy street race, and more jiggle to my wiggle than I care to admit, but it is what it is and frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn! My blood type is sweet tea, my fried chicken is yum-worthy, and I love country boys (the fact that mine wears Wranglers and boots is a plus).
Thanks for reminding me about bourbon balls, the KY Derby is in a few weeks and I need to replenish my stash of top shelf liquid refreshment …… and get to cookin’ too.
Best,
Nicole @ Three 31
http://nicoleandkevin.wordpress.com/
I love the Rhett Butler quote and am embarrassed I did not think to add that to my essay. Clever comment!
Hilarious and so true; and you better get used to the “southern exposure” stuff, lots of food and letting it all hang out seem to be required behavior; I suspect it will only get worse. You eventually adapt to the weather; when we first moved here from NYC, I would jump in the pool’s 60 degree water without a care in the world. Now, twenty years later, I don’t go anywhere near them unless it is at least 80 degrees. LOL!
I am starting to get it. I am going to OH this weekend (Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop) and the weather is calling for lows in the 30s!! I am from PA but haven’t lived that far north in quite a while, and now all I have are flip flops!
Oh no, flip flops! It might be too late for you now. Next, it will be you can only find sundresses in your closet. LOL
“ThereÔÇÖs only one thing more disturbing than seeing a fat woman eating a turkey leg at an amusement park: seeing a fat woman eating a turkey leg at an amusement park in a bathing suit.”
Utterly hilarious!
And unfortunately, oh so true!
Ah, I feel so sorry for you. You’re not entering a beauty contest! You’re just trying to be comfortable. Go for it and to hell with what others think. I guarantee no matter how bad you think you look, you really look better than most! (At least that’s what I tell myself. And it works!) All joy in shedding those clothes. HF
Funny! Well done. I’ll share what someone told me when I was whining about showing my fat. “What makes you think anyone is looking at you? They’re here to enjoy the beach.” Even so, all my blouses this year are 1/2 or 3/4 sleeves and my shorts come to my knees. Am trying to figure out how to camouflage my “bounty” at the Marriott Dayton pool.
Oh God No Sharon! I did not know we were expected to go to the pool! Please say it isn’t so!
I’m with you!! Since I’ve been married and subjected to the military lifestyle, I have lived in more Southern states than I would care too. I don’t wear shorts or anything above 3/4 sleeve. Fortunately unless you are spending an entire day outdoors every store and public dwelling is kept at a chilly 45 degrees so I find the need for jackets even in 100 degree temps. As always love your posts and fabulous writing:)
So true, Carrie – it is as if us northerners can’t regulate our own body temp like southerners can – I also freeze in the stores/restaurants/movie theaters, and outside I feel like I’m in a blast furnace. I don’t know how Southerners take it!