AP Photo/Keystone/Peter Schneider
As an active duty Navy family, we are definitely feeling the strain of the economy and military cutbacks. With all this talk about the struggling middle class, who would have thought that rich guys like Ralph Lauren are in the financial hurt locker?
I mean, why else would he feel the need to pinch pennies by having the US Olympic Team uniforms made in China? The poor guy must be clipping coupons for foie gras and hitting early bird specials at Le Bernardin. Otherwise, he surely wouldn’t have made a deal with the country that is currently our biggest Olympic, economic and political rival to design and manufacture our team uniforms. Right?
And, did anyone else notice that, despite the absence of stars and stripes, the US Olympic uniforms are emblazoned with HUGE Polo logos? Ralph Lauren must be financially strapped if he felt the need to shamelessly promote his brand at the expense of patriotism. Bless his shriveled, greedy little heart, he must really be strapped for cash.
But to be fair, Ralph’s not the only one committing Olympic fashion faux pas this year. The Spaniards are being accused of wearing McDonald’s uniforms, the reserved Brits are blinged out in metallic, and the stern Germans are uncharacteristically warm and fuzzy in baby blue and pastel pink. Are we in some sort of Twilight Zone of haberdashery or am I missing something here?
If the Olympic Opening Ceremony’s Parade of Nations wasn’t bizarre enough, the uniforms worn by athletes during competitions has me wondering whether pole dancing might soon be added as an Olympic event.
Most striking are the women’s beach volleyball uniforms, which consist of booty-revealing bottoms that are about four square inches short of being thongs, and the tiniest sports bras ever made. And apparently track “shorts” are now pass├® — runners wear bikini underwear instead. Similarly, our women’s diving team suits have extremely high-cut leg openings which expose the athletes’ buttocks and guarantee a turbo wedgie with every dive.
What’s the practical rationale for showing so much flesh? Was the fabric creating performance issues for these athletes? Too much drag perhaps? Based on how many times I’ve seen them reach back to pull their uniforms out of their rear ends, I highly doubt that the athletes find that the new thong-like bottoms enhance their performance.
Even some male athletes are over-exposed. Take the Men’s Water Polo Team for example. Are they wearing those itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny swim trunks to balance out the un-sexiness of their ridiculous swim bonnets that are fastened with big bows under their chins? They look like what might happen if an Amish cross-dresser got a job at Chippendales.
(AP Photo/Julio Cortez)
Now, if any group of athletes had a reason to expose more flesh, you’d think it would be our Olympic swimmers, who benefit from the smooth hydrodynamics of water against bare skin. But no, for some reason, they are wearing more fabric than ever this year. The men are forgoing skimpy “Speedos” in favor of conservative bicycle shorts, and the women are sporting knee-length wrestling uniforms. Go figure.
Other than fencers, whose uniforms not only cover every inch of flesh but also flash dramatically in bright robotic green and red lights making them look like sword-wielding R2D2s, the only other athletes who insist on being totally covered are Olympic archers.
In keeping with the ancient tradition of the sport, one might reasonably expect an archer to be simply clad in a bark loin cloth or animal pelt. However, for some unknown reason, they all dress like Gilligan, wearing buttoned up shirts, bucket hats, chinos and boat shoes. I keep wondering when the Skipper’s going to show up and cheer, “Hey Little Buddy!”
(REUTERS/Suhaib Salem)
As crazy as this year’s Olympic clothing choices seem to be, I can’t rule out the possibility that the attention-getting uniforms might just be a brilliant strategy for better ratings. Be it bare buttocks or bucket hats, I have to admit that I can’t seem to tear my eyes away.
Let’s face facts: more viewers lead to better ratings. Better ratings lead to more advertising. More advertising leads to more sales. More sales lead to more money in the pockets of businessmen like poor destitute Ralph Lauren. More money in Ralph’s pocket might keep him from giving our jobs to the Chinese.
I’m not sure if that’s top down or bottom up economics, but keeping an eye on Olympians’ bottoms might just be improving our country’s bottom line.
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Related articles
- PHOTO: American Athletes Try on the Controversial Olympic Uniforms (stylenews.peoplestylewatch.com)
- http://www.fashionnstyle.com/articles/2617/20120727/2012-summer-olympics-less-bikini-clad-beach-volleyball-players-due-to-uniform-change.htm
- PHOTOS: U.S. Olympic Uniforms Actually Made In China (huffingtonpost.com)
I remember back when I was in high school, when we did gymnastics in P.E., we were joined by a girl who was a senior at the time. She could have worn the shorts and t-shirt uniform which were issued to all the other girls in the class, but instead, she chose to wear her own leotards, which were always too small for her, and rode up into a permanent wedgie, which she almost never bothered to correct. So, at least in her case, wearing her own butt-exposing leos was her own personal choice.
Like the Olympians I referenced in this column, perhaps she felt the wedgie enhanced her performance. Or perhaps she just wanted to be remembered for something, and in that case, the wedgie worked!
Isn’t it great…in America we have ALWAYS HAD industry leaders who cheat the government, use cheap labor and fail to have even a tiny flag on their clothing items…just like our beloved, re-elected President! I had to give up my speedo from high school—just as well. Could barely get into it back then! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Actually, the guys in monokinis are overdressed by ancient Greek Olympian standards, (or so I have read. I’ve been around a long time, but not THAT long.). And those bucket hats – in another life, they would have been white hats, which I think what Gilligan actually wore? I wonder whose idea it was to shrink ’em.
Yes John, I think we may actually be moving toward a revival of Olympians going “commando!”
So true and so funny! I kept waiting for Gabby Douglas to try to un-wedge her wedgie in mid-air. So sorry I missed the archery. I love seeing a man with clothes on. Too much exposure gives me a headache.
You missed it, Sharon — those bucket hats were hot!
Hilarious!!!
Considering that the ancient Olympians competed nude…I guess that some “modest” progress has been made.
Your points on our economy and outsourcing are of serious concern, but the rest of the piece “CRACKED me UP”!
this is so funny, and coincidentally I referenced those Speedos today as well.
Great minds think alike!