There’s only one thing more disturbing than seeing a fat woman eating a turkey leg at an amusement park: seeing a fat woman eating a turkey leg at an amusement park in a bathing suit. This eternal truth revealed itself to me after our recent move to Florida. Despite the well-known adage that “Tan fat…
Self Help
The Dirty Secrets of Property Ownership
When asked by friends recently what my family was doing for Spring Break, I declared boastfully, “Oh, why we’re going to our beach house, of course.” Leaving a pregnant pause, I hoped my friends would ask for more details, so I could brag that “my family” has owned a beach house in North Carolina’s windswept…
Bracing for Bankruptcy
I’ve done just about anything you can think of while sitting in our orthodontist’s waiting room. I’ve balance my checkbook. I’ve applied concealer to the dark circles under my eyes. I’ve watched “Toy Story” eight times. I’ve torn recipes out of magazines when no one was watching. I’ve discovered an old cough drop in the…
Have Life’s rules changed?
Parking my yellow convertible on the seventh square, I read the words aloud, “’Inherit shrunken head collection. Pay $10,000 for museum to accept it.’ Aw, man!” “Pay up, and quit yer whining!” my brother snickered with sick satisfaction. No matter what game we played, my older brother always appointed himself the banker, setting an immediate…
What I believe about Hell and hand baskets