Facebook Forensics

Have you contracted the disease?

If you are one of the 175 million people who log onto Facebook each day[1], please carefully consider the following important information involving your electronic health. You may be at risk of contracting a new syndrome, commonly referred to as the dreaded “Facebook Fever.”

The severe strains of this dangerous illness are spreading like world-wide-web wildfire and estimates predict the disease reaching pandemic proportions by year’s end. Victims of the three identified forms of this ailment suffer from short comment threads, progressing to electronic quarantine (otherwise known as being “hidden,”) and eventually culminating in the most painful of all complications: being “defriended” or “unfriended.”[2]

If identified early, it is possible to reverse the effects of this devastating disease and implement a successful recovery regimen. One must, however, be aware of the specific strains of the illness and their individual diagnostic criteria, described below.

I. The Facebook Frump

Otherwise known as the Social Network Ninny, this is the most benign variety of Facebook Fever, with straightforward treatment options. Symptoms include but are not limited to frequent postings relating to

• The weather. (Ex., “Rain, rain, go away!”) To keep reader interest, posts about weather should only involve hurricanes, drought, tornadoes, blizzards or Armageddon.
• What you ate for lunch. (Ex., “Just ate yummy burrito!”) Unless you opened a can of tuna and found a used Band-Aid, nobody really cares, so skip it.
• The mundane activities of daily life. (Ex., “Off to pick up the dry cleaning!”) Remember, avoid this Facebook faux pas by keeping posts at least minimally interesting or mildly amusing.

Sufferers of this form of the Fever often fail to elicit comments, remarks, pokes, messages or responses of any kind. Complications include being “hidden” and/or oily discharge.

II. The Facebook Freak

This more malicious malady is commonly misdiagnosed as gaming addiction, and is characterized by obsessive compulsions with

• Stupid Facebook frivolity such as FarmVille, Mafia Wars, Bejeweled Blitz, and Pillow Fight. Not only will your friends “hide” posts relating to your prowess at mastering these ridiculous games, you should hide the fact that you waste time and brainpower playing them.
• Frequent electronic hurling of food, pillows, Peeps or other imaginary objects at friends. Keep in mind that, as easy as it was for you to fire off one of these annoying messages to your friends, it is much easier and more satisfying for them to click “Ignore.”

This rare breed of social network nincompoop will likely be ignored and/or hidden by non-gaming friends, and will often develop a sickly, jaundiced appearance caused by vitamin D deficiency.

III. The Facebook Phony

Also referred to as the Twitter Twerp, this insidious social network narcissist regularly commits Facebook fraud to keep up his or her carefully crafted Facebook front. Characteristics include

• Frequent posts about consuming trendy cocktails, especially margaritas. (Ex., “Just had a Mojito and ready for another!”) Although an occasional, “Thank God it’s Friday ÔÇô anyone up for Happy Hour?” is perfectly acceptable, a devil-may-care reference to alcoholic beverage consumption projects an obvious and pitiful attempt to look hip.
• Posting “poser” profile photos. (Ex., sexy side shot with lip-glossed pout.) Blurry, uncomplimentary web-cam shots may not be easy on the eyes, but are refreshingly honest compared to the “glamour shots” Facebook phonies post to their profiles.
• Posts or photos relating to certain “red flag” activities indicate that you could be at high risk of perpetuating a fever-induced Facebook farce. These activities include surfing, snowboarding, mountain climbing, wine tasting and iron man competitions. While you may actually participate in these impressive activities, posting photos of yourself running in a marathon or donning ski apparel pathetically says, “You may not be able to clearly identify me in this picture, but don’t you think I’m cool?”

Note: A sure-fire anecdote to this strain of the disease is posting self-deprecating admissions (ex., “Ate box of Twinkies tonight. I’m such a loser.”) and uncomplimentary profile pictures (ex., self-portrait with flash glare on double chins.)

If you feel that your Facebook fanaticism has made you susceptible to any of the three strains of this severe syndrome, seek help immediately. Your friends will thank you for it.

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[1] http://news.softpedia.com/news/175-Million-People-Use-Facebook-Every-Day-133744.shtml

[2] http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/AheadoftheCurve/unfriend-defriend-facebook-fans-debate/story?id=9106240